Stoic affirmations
Stoic grief affirmations, in the Stoics’ own words
The Stoics did not forbid grief: Seneca forgives tears that do not flow to excess, grants that no one can help feeling a pang at the death of those dearest to him, and admits that he himself was overcome by grief for his friend Annaeus Serenus. What they examined was the part of mourning that comes from opinion and custom rather than from the loss itself.
In the texts
Seneca · Letter 63, §1
We, however, may be forgiven for bursting into tears, if only our tears have not flowed to excess, and if we have checked them by our own efforts.
Seneca · Letter 63, §14
He who writes these words to you is no other than I, who wept so excessively for my dear friend Annaeus Serenus that, in spite of my wishes, I must be included among the examples of men who have been overcome by grief.
Seneca · To Marcia on Consolation, VII
Who denies it? provided it be reasonable? for we cannot help feeling a pang, and the stoutest-hearted of us are cast down not only at the death of those dearest to us, but even when they leave us on a journey.
Marcus Aurelius · Meditations, IX, 40
Another thus: How shall I not lose my little son? Thou thus: How shall I not be afraid to lose him?
Letter 63 to Lucilius, in Gummere’s 1917 translation, is written to a man whose friend Flaccus has died. Seneca asks him not to sorrow more than is fitting; that he should not mourn at all, Seneca says he will hardly dare to insist. Tears may be forgiven if they have not flowed to excess. The letter then turns to memory: the names of those we have loved and lost come back with a sort of sting, and there is a pleasure even in this sting (Letter 63).
The same letter contains a confession. Seneca wept so excessively for his friend Annaeus Serenus that he counts himself among the men overcome by grief, and he gives the reason: he had never imagined that the younger man could die first, as if the Fates kept to the order of our ages. He draws no comfort from this, only the instruction to think as much about the mortality of all those we love as about our own (Memento mori).
The Consolation to Marcia, in Aubrey Stewart’s 1889 translation, is addressed to a woman who has mourned her son for three years. In chapter VII Seneca grants her objection, that sorrow for the loss of one’s children is natural, provided it be reasonable, and adds that the stoutest-hearted are cast down even when those dear to them merely leave on a journey. His distinction is between what nature insists upon and what public opinion enjoins (To Marcia on Consolation).
Marcus Aurelius, in book IX, chapter 40 of the Meditations (Long, 1862), contrasts two prayers: one man prays not to lose his little son, the other prays not to be afraid of losing him. The passage does not say that the loss will be avoided or that it will hurt less. It moves the request from the event, which is not in our power, to the fear, which the Stoics place among our own judgments (Premeditatio malorum, Meditations, IX, 40).
Why this is not a positive affirmation
Grief affirmations are usually sentences meant to make a loss easier to bear by repetition. The Stoic passages above make no such offer. Seneca concedes that the pang cannot be helped and that he himself gave way; the Consolation to Marcia argues with a mother instead of soothing her; Marcus Aurelius changes the object of a prayer, not its outcome.
What the texts examine is the judgment added to the loss: the belief that the order of ages will be kept, the idea that a longer display proves a greater love, the fear that runs ahead of the event. They do not say that grief is wrong, and they do not say when it ends.
Terms in the glossary
- Memento mori — memento mori (latin)
- Premeditatio malorum — praemeditatio malorum (latin)
- Apatheia — ἀπάθεια (apatheia)
In Stoïque, the life theme “Grief” opens the passages on this subject, each with its reference. The theme is part of Stoic+.